Everyday Happiness - Finding Harmony and Bliss

173-The Social Connection Experiment Part-1

This episode is a minute longer, but you won’t even notice because this experiment is fascinating.  I’m breaking it down for you today. 

 

Transcript:

 

Welcome to Everyday Happiness where we create lasting happiness, in 2 minutes a day,  through my signature method of Intentional Margins® (creating harmony between your to-dos and your priorities), happiness science, and musings about life. 

 

I'm your host Katie Jefcoat and I was listening to Social Psychologist Nick Epley describe his social connection experiment and it’s so fascinating that I have to share it with you.  So Nick Epley is a professor and researcher out of the University of Chicago Booth School of Business, his credentials are long and robust and if I started down that road we’d never get to the good stuff.

 

Epley’s experiment, that I am going to explain, started with really just an observation, he was thinking about literature demonstrating how important social connection was for our happiness and well-being. And yet, every day when he took the commuter train into the office in Chicago, he noticed people in very close proximity to other people, actively avoiding social connection. 

 

He knew, he wanted to do his own social experiment.  He asked for volunteers, and in exchange for a $5 Starbucks gift card he asked that they complete a survey.  With these volunteers, he created 3 groups. 

 

The first group that was told to just keep to themselves, just enjoy your solitude on the train ride in. That was their solitude condition. 

 

The second group was the control condition. They told them just to do whatever you normally do on the ride. And today it is normal to keep to yourself and sit alone or sit by yourself at least. 

 

In the third group, they were told to do something, perhaps somewhat radical. That is when somebody came and sat next to them, they were asked to try to form a connection with that person. Try to get to know something about him or her. 

 

And that's all he told the volunteers. 

 

After their commute, they were asked to fill out a survey.  The same survey for everyone.  The survey included a bunch of items, the first three were the ones that they really cared about.  The volunteers were asked how sad are you today after your commute? How happy are you? How pleasant was your commute compared to normal? 

 

Epley and his team averaged these first three together, and found something interesting. 

 

We talked in an earlier episode about how people might think that connecting with a stranger kind of stinks. It's unpleasant. It feels uncomfortable.  Actually, this experiment found that to be wrong. What they found was that people in the connection group were actually reporting the most positive experience, and people in the solitude group were reporting the least positive experience. 

 

So, just like we see over and over again in experiments, connecting with another person was pleasant, it improved your well-being and improved your mood. So, the question is, why don't people do it? Well that’s what we’ll dive into tomorrow. 

 

Connecting with strangers turns out to be surprisingly pleasant.

 

 

Get Everyday Happiness delivered to your inbox by subscribing at: https://www.katiejefcoat.com/happiness

 

And, let’s connect on social at @everydayhappinesswithkatie  and join the community on the hashtags #IntentionalMargins and #everydayhappinesswithkatie on Instagram

 

Links:  https://onamission.bio/everydayhappiness/

172-Social Connection Makes Us Happier

The data is pretty clear that happy people tend to hang out with other happy people.  Those same happy people also enjoy richer social connections.  Here is an exercise that we can all do, today. 

 

Transcript:

 

Welcome to Everyday Happiness where we create lasting happiness, in 2 minutes a day,  through my signature method of Intentional Margins® (creating harmony between your to-dos and your priorities), happiness science, and musings about life. 

 

I'm your host Katie Jefcoat and the data is pretty clear that happy people tend to hang out with other happy people.  They have richer social connections.  In fact, happy people tend to make more social connections by just talking to the barista at the coffee shop, striking up a conversation on the subway or in the store.  

 

I saw this exercise in a Yale happiness class where you track your progress. You take a week, and each day you write all of your social connections and notice how they made you feel when you jot it down.  

 

The idea is that social connection matters a lot when it comes to our happiness.  In fact, even a new social connection, like chatting with the barista at the coffee shop or the person in line with you, actually boosts your happiness.   

 

This can also be an exercise where you call a friend you haven’t talked to in a while, have lunch with a friend or chat with someone new. 

 

Social Psychologist Nick Epley says that “Social connection can be almost anything, from making eye contact with another person, or smiling at another person to being in a long term romantic relationship with somebody. And it turns out that social connection across this entire spectrum tends to be pretty darn good for people.” 

 

What is really fascinating about Epley’s work is that he’s looked at these tiny micro-connections, even with strangers, that can happen on the daily which can be as small as when people smile at one another.   

 

To drive this point home, tomorrow, I am going to share with you the findings from Epley’s social experiment in a commuter train from the South side of Chicago. 

 

 

Get Everyday Happiness delivered to your inbox by subscribing at: https://www.katiejefcoat.com/happiness

 

And, let’s connect on social at @everydayhappinesswithkatie  and join the community on the hashtags #IntentionalMargins and #everydayhappinesswithkatie on Instagram

 

Links:  https://onamission.bio/everydayhappiness/

171-Social Connection Matters For Happiness

Rooted in scientific data, social connection is a sure-fire way to actively and intentionally change the trajectory of our happiness toward a more fulfilled and well-rounded life.

 

Transcript:

 

Welcome to Everyday Happiness where we create lasting happiness, in 2 minutes a day,  through my signature method of Intentional Margins® (creating harmony between your to-dos and your priorities), happiness science, and musings about life. 

 

I'm your host Katie Jefcoat and yesterday we talked about a bunch of things that won’t make us as happy as we predict they will.  What happens is that our brains, our intuition, overestimates how happy we think these things, or these goals will make us.  

 

What we know from the data is that we can work hard to be happier, but it seems as though we are working toward the wrong things because we are trusting our intuition too much, and it’s leading us astray. 

 

Today and over the next few days, we are going to talk about one specific goal we should be setting that will increase our happiness.  And that is increasing or being mindful of our social connection. 

 

Now you might be asking yourself, how is that a goal.  I invite you to think about this as a characteristic, a way of being.  If we can increase our social connection, the science indicates we can increase our happiness.  

 

And before you roll your eyes, the science that we’ll be going into indicates that people are mispredicting their own happiness when engaging in social connection.   So, you might be thinking, a random social connection at the coffee shop won’t make you happier, but your intuition is just wrong about that most of the time.  And this can be a smile, exchanging pleasantries, it doesn’t have to be this big thing.    

 

But even more interesting, is that your intuition is wrong if you think it doesn’t increase the effect of the other person’s happiness too.  We think we’re annoying or the person will think I’m a weirdo for chatting them up in line, but the science indicates that’s just another way our brains, our intuition is just playing tricks on us and getting it wrong.  

 

So today, I invite you to make a new social connection, whether it’s a smile at a stranger, exchanging pleasantries in a line somewhere or even engaging in a conversation - and take note of how that makes you feel. 

 

Of course, I’d love to hear how this is going for you, so please reach out to us on social media and let us know.    

 

Get Everyday Happiness delivered to your inbox by subscribing at: https://www.katiejefcoat.com/happiness

 

And, let’s connect on social at @everydayhappinesswithkatie  and join the community on the hashtags #IntentionalMargins and #everydayhappinesswithkatie on Instagram

 

Links:  https://onamission.bio/everydayhappiness/

170-Why Our Intuition Doesn’t Make Us Happy

Our intuition, our minds, are playing tricks on us and making us think things that are just false.  In fact, what we think makes us happy, just doesn’t.  Now what?

 

Transcript:

 

Welcome to Everyday Happiness where we create lasting happiness, in 2 minutes a day,  through my signature method of Intentional Margins® (creating harmony between your to-dos and your priorities), happiness science, and musings about life. 

 

I'm your host Katie Jefcoat and our intuition, our minds, are playing tricks on us and making us think things that are just false.  We see this with allegra problems, vision exercises - which table is longer - on social media.  We think it’s one thing, but the fact is, it’s definitely the other, full stop.  

 

This also happens with things we can’t personally quantify, but the scientists have the data to support.  

 

You think that if you walk out of your house and get hit by a car, you will be unhappy for the rest of your life.  But that’s just not true.  

 

You think that if you are in school and you get better grades than you expect, you will be happier.  

 

You think that if you win the lottery, all of your worries will disappear and you will be the happiest ever.  But all of this is just not true.  It’s not how happiness works.  The data says, you will go back to baseline.  

 

This is fascinating because we can see how our brains trick us into choosing material items or goals that are just wrong.  We think the bad thing will be so much worse than it is, and we think the good thing, winning the lottery, will be so much better than it is.  We humans always get it wrong - almost all of the time. 

 

Having the perfect body won't actually make you happier.  Even if you think it will.  The data just doesn’t support this.   These are our intuitions that are so strong, but are just false.  

 

Most of the goals that we think will make us happy don’t really make us as happy as we think it will.   Tomorrow, we are going to talk about what goals we should be setting that will increase our happiness. 

 

Until next time, join us over on social @everydayhappinesswithkatie and let’s keep the conversation going. 

 

Get Everyday Happiness delivered to your inbox by subscribing at: https://www.katiejefcoat.com/happiness

 

And, let’s connect on social at @everydayhappinesswithkatie  and join the community on the hashtags #IntentionalMargins and #everydayhappinesswithkatie on Instagram

 

Links:  https://onamission.bio/everydayhappiness/

169-How Does Purchasing Stuff During The Holidays Affect Happiness?

As the give-giving holidays approach, let’s take a look at happiness and the nice things we like.   

 

Transcript:

 

Welcome to Everyday Happiness where we create lasting happiness, in 2 minutes a day,  through my signature method of Intentional Margins® (creating harmony between your to-dos and your priorities), happiness science, and musings about life. 

 

I'm your host Katie Jefcoat and as the holidays approach, I’m thinking a lot about stuff, both gift giving and the kids holiday wish lists.  

 

The science indicates that the more we want the less life satisfaction we will experience. The less happy we will be.   But the thing is, we want this stuff and we think the “nice” thing, whatever it is, fill in the blank, will make us happier.  If we didn’t think that we wouldn’t buy it.  Yet, the science (Nickerson Et Al. (2003)) says that’s a total trick and stuff won’t actually make us happier.     

 

As we enter the holiday season I invite you to think about the stuff you are purchasing and ask yourself if this is really what you want and what you want to give.   It feels good to give someone a nice thing, and they may be happy in the moment, but the research indicates that it won’t last and then, they are left with this thing. 

 

Another way to think about the holiday season is the gift of time, spending time with the people you love.  Also, using experiences as gifts instead of things.  For example, we just saw an advertisement for a season pass to an amusement park near us.  My little boy loves roller coasters and he wants to go to this particular amusement park more often.  So, we are going to purchase an annual pass during this holiday sale, something we would purchase anyway next Spring, and wrap it up for him.  This is an experience we can do as a family.  This is something we know the kids will enjoy and we aren’t adding more stuff into our home, that, frankly, I’ll have to dust. 

 

And let’s not forget, all these toys won’t actually make our kids happier in the long run either. It’s never about the stuff. 

 

Now, a confession.  I love the tradition of opening a lot of presents, it brings me joy - it really does make me happy for this moment.  So, I wrap a lot of little presents that don’t even matter, so we have that experience.  Everything from a new toothbrush, socks, a flashlight, these experiences I mentioned are on a piece of paper and wrapped in a box.  So we can still get that joy in the experience of unwrapping gifts while not focusing on the materialistic part of gifts that can waste money and don’t bring us the level of happiness that we expect for the amount of money we just spent. 

 

I’m curious, what is your holiday gift giving strategy?  Connect with us @everydayhappinesswithkatie over on social. 

 

References include:  Nickerson et al. (2003). Zeroing on the Dark Side of the American Dream: A Closer Look at the Negative Consequences of the Goal for Financial Success. Psychological Science, 14, 531-536.

 

Get Everyday Happiness delivered to your inbox by subscribing at: https://www.katiejefcoat.com/happiness

 

And, let’s connect on social at @everydayhappinesswithkatie  and join the community on the hashtags #IntentionalMargins and #everydayhappinesswithkatie on Instagram

 

Links:  https://onamission.bio/everydayhappiness/

168-How To Be Happy At Work

 

We spend so much of our time at work.  How can we make the best of it while we are there and even make good choices for us, individually, when accepting jobs in the first place.  

 

Transcript:

 

Welcome to Everyday Happiness where we create lasting happiness, in 2 minutes a day,  through my signature method of Intentional Margins® (creating harmony between your to-dos and your priorities), happiness science, and musings about life. 

 

I'm your host Katie Jefcoat and I’ve been wondering about work lately and our pursuit of happiness.  If you recall, happiness is a 2-pronged definition.  It’s those happy emotions like joy and elatement and it’s also the second prong of satisfaction and purpose.  

 

Work, as in a “productive human endeavour” will create a sense of purpose in life.   So, what the research indicates is that being unemployed is bad for happiness and there is a sliding scale to good jobs and bad jobs.  Arthur Brooks says “What makes work meaningful is not the kind of work it is, but the sense it gives you that you are earning your success and serving others.” 

The science around work and well-being seems to indicate that if people can remain flexible on the exact job, while searching for the values and culture that fit with theirs, they will create a work-life that is more or less satisfying, purposeful and happy.  

 

It’s not a one-size fits all approach.  If you told me I had to be an accountant, I would be very unhappy, but there are lots of accountants that are very happy in their work.  The same can be said for the cashier and the lawyer.  One is not happier than the other.  The actual job really doesn’t matter if you find a sense of accomplishment within that job. 

 

Significant research indicates that pay doesn't reflect happiness. Although, unemployment is bad for happiness.  Getting a raise will only boost happiness for a little bit and you will baseline again.  

 

One goal Authur Brooks says you can go to increase your happiness at work is to pursue a goal of service to others.  He says “ the sense that your job is making the world a better place” is exactly the type of satisfaction and purpose that boosts happiness.   And he says, you can find service in almost every job.  Perhaps it’s just being a helpful team player with your colleagues.  

 

Today, I invite you to think about how you can increase your happiness at work by helping someone on your team or reminding yourself of your input at your work that serves the larger values of your company.   I am confident that what you are doing is making a difference - don’t forget, everyone has a role to play. 

 

If you are enjoying this podcast, click the subscribe button and share it with a friend. 

 

 

Get Everyday Happiness delivered to your inbox by subscribing at: https://www.katiejefcoat.com/happiness

 

And, let’s connect on social at @everydayhappinesswithkatie  and join the community on the hashtags #IntentionalMargins and #everydayhappinesswithkatie on Instagram

 

Links:  https://onamission.bio/everydayhappiness/

167-Action In The Law Of Attraction

We won’t get the benefits of the law of attraction without action.   This is key for a pragmatic, recovering lawyer like myself, and maybe someone like you, who just can’t live in a world without some data, or should we say, proof.  

 

Transcript:

 

Welcome to Everyday Happiness where we create lasting happiness, in 2 minutes a day,  through my signature method of Intentional Margins® (creating harmony between your to-dos and your priorities), happiness science, and musings about life. 

 

I'm your host Katie Jefcoat and I was at a talk the other day with a 4-time pro bowler retired professional football player.  In the sports world, that’s a big deal.  But he wasn’t there to talk about the incredible career he had.  He was there to talk about life and how we get to show up for ourselves, even when it seems like the cards are stacked against us.  

 

The theme that kept coming up was mindset plus action.  You see, we can say the affirmations, we can look in the mirror and tell ourselves what we want to believe all day long, but first, we have to on some level believe it and second, we have to take action toward that desired outcome.  

 

So for this pro-football player, he dropped out of high school, was poor and living in a rough neighborhood and for him, he knew he had talents on the football field, but was lost for a while.  When he decided to get his GED, he knew the only way he was getting to college was through a football scholarship.  So he was in the weightroom every day, that action step, and he was telling himself, this is the way out, that mindset step, and he started at a junior college, the only one that would take him, thousands of miles from home.  There he played two years of football, before he was recruited to play at the University of California, Berkeley (an impressive football school) and later in the NFL.   

 

In every story I hear about mindset, there was massive action and an openness to see the opportunity when it presented itself.  But I never hear of stories where someone hadn’t taken action and just believed their way into their perfect life.  So today, I invite you to reflect on the action component of the law of attraction and see what step you can take to get you closer to the results you want to achieve. 

 

 

Get Everyday Happiness delivered to your inbox by subscribing at: https://www.katiejefcoat.com/happiness

 

And, let’s connect on social at @everydayhappinesswithkatie  and join the community on the hashtags #IntentionalMargins and #everydayhappinesswithkatie on Instagram

 

Links:  https://onamission.bio/everydayhappiness/

166-Where Optimists Go Wrong

 

I’m an optimist.  That’s not changing.  But, when I read about the science around hope and optimism, and that you can absolutely be a hopeless optimist, that got me thinking. What we discover is that it’s not only a matter of perspective, but about personal agency. 

 

Transcript:

 

Welcome to Everyday Happiness where we create lasting happiness, in 2 minutes a day,  through my signature method of Intentional Margins® (creating harmony between your to-dos and your priorities), happiness science, and musings about life. 

 

I'm your host Katie Jefcoat and today, I wanted to chat about hope and where scientists think us optimists can learn a thing or two.  People tend to use hope and optimism as synonyms and that’s where the conflict arises.   

 

In a 2004 paper in the Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, two psychologists used survey data to parse the two concepts. They determined that “hope focuses more directly on the personal attainment of specific goals, whereas optimism focuses more broadly on the expected quality of future outcomes in general.”  Harvard Professor and happiness scientist, Arthur Brooks says “In other words, optimism is the belief that things will turn out all right; hope makes no such assumption but is a conviction that one can act to make things better in some way.”

 

This is fascinating because it indicates that hope and optimism can go together, but they don’t have to.  Brooks says “You can be a hopeless optimist who feels personally helpless but assumes that everything will turn out all right. You can be a hopeful pessimist who makes negative predictions about the future but has confidence that you can improve things in your life and others’.”

 

The biggest take-away is that hope involves personal agency.  It’s the action step in creating a happy life.  So if you are feeling hopeless, try to imagine a situation where you can take action in one very small step toward what you envision as more hopeful.   

 

Let us know what you think over @everydayhappinesswithkatie and if you want this audio and transcript delivered to your inbox, you can sign-up over at www.katiejefcoat.com/happiness

 

Inspired by this article in The Atlantic, The Difference Between Hope and Optimism.

 

 

 

 

Get Everyday Happiness delivered to your inbox by subscribing at: https://www.katiejefcoat.com/happiness

 

And, let’s connect on social at @everydayhappinesswithkatie  and join the community on the hashtags #IntentionalMargins and #everydayhappinesswithkatie on Instagram

 

Links:  https://onamission.bio/everydayhappiness/

165-Toxic Positivity

 

As a self-proclaimed optimist, I get asked if I am always happy.  And of course the answer is N-O! But, what I have been good at is seeing the silver lining when things really suck and not denying myself the time to be in the emotions I’m feeling - not brushing them under the rug. And this is how.     

 

Transcript:

 

Welcome to Everyday Happiness where we create lasting happiness, in 2 minutes a day,  through my signature method of Intentional Margins® (creating harmony between your to-dos and your priorities), happiness science, and musings about life. 

 

I'm your host Katie Jefcoat and if you are a person like me who is very optimistic and who always sees things as glass half full, you may be asked, like I am - how are you “always” happy?   Can you always be happy?  How can I have some of what you have?  How does everything always work out for you? 

Well the truth is, it doesn’t always work out for me, for anyone.  That’s ridiculous.  We all have our struggles.   

 

You might think it’s toxic to say everything is great, just tell us it’s not going well.   I found a hack that’s helped me in a podcast episode interview with Susie Moore and I wanted to share it with you.  

 

If you are feeling like there is something wrong, that you are in your feelings, instead of trying to ignore them, shine a spotlight on them and instead of asking yourself “what’s wrong” and going down the laundry list of all the things that’s wrong with this situation, ask yourself “what’s missing here”?   This re-frames the issue and allows us to take some action and choice in our outcome.  What’s changeable and what isn’t?  What are the changeable things we can focus on.  When we have options, we feel so much better.  What are the changeable options? What is available to me? 

 

If we deny what’s wrong and try to tell ourselves “be happy” - that won’t help.  We can tell ourselves that all day, but we’re too smart for that.  It won’t work.  But if we can see the changeable options, we can address the discomfort and choose options that bring us closer to the happiness we’re after. 

 

Inspired by this podcast with Susie Moore. 

 

 

 

Get Everyday Happiness delivered to your inbox by subscribing at: https://www.katiejefcoat.com/happiness

 

And, let’s connect on social at @everydayhappinesswithkatie  and join the community on the hashtags #IntentionalMargins and #everydayhappinesswithkatie on Instagram

 

Links:  https://onamission.bio/everydayhappiness/

164-The Get Todo List

One tiny 3-letter word might be the mindset shift we’re after when it comes to feeling so overwhelmed with our todo list.  

 

Transcript:

 

Welcome to Everyday Happiness where we create lasting happiness, in 2 minutes a day,  through my signature method of Intentional Margins® (creating harmony between your to-dos and your priorities), happiness science, and musings about life. 

 

I'm your host Katie Jefcoat and I’m curious, have you heard of this concept, the “get” todo list.  It’s a todo list, but instead of the list of all the things you have to do, you put the word “get” in front of todo and you reframe your mindset.   

 

For example, go to the dentist might be on the todo list.  You “get” to go to the dentist, because you have access to healthcare while that’s not true for everybody. 

 

Perhaps something on my list might be to record episodes of Everyday Happiness.  I “get” to record episodes of Everyday Happiness, something that I have worked hard to curate and produce.  I am grateful for listeners and subscribers who allow me the opportunity to continue to share in this format - which is a dream for so many people, and I get to do it.

 

I have to pick up my kids and drive them around all afternoon to all of their activities.  Yeah, isn’t it great that I have healthy kids that I get to pick up from school.  

 

It’s getting this to the macro level, zoom out a little to find the opportunity in this - the blessings - the gratitude.  I get to be a mom, I get to host a podcast, I get to go to the dentist.  

 

So, really, we’re feeling overwhelmed by all of the things that we have on our todo list and maybe, they are all good things.   I invite you to flip your focus and see what happens for yourself.  

 

I’m curious, what do you think of this “get” todo list?  Have you ever thought about it this way? 

 

Send me a message @everydayhappinesswithkatie and let’s discuss.

 

Inspired by this podcast with Susie Moore. 

 

 

Get Everyday Happiness delivered to your inbox by subscribing at: https://www.katiejefcoat.com/happiness

 

And, let’s connect on social at @everydayhappinesswithkatie  and join the community on the hashtags #IntentionalMargins and #everydayhappinesswithkatie on Instagram

 

Links:  https://onamission.bio/everydayhappiness/